John Quincy Adams to Louisa Catherine Johnson, May 12, 1797
The Hague 12. May. 1797.
And is it possible that my charming friend should feel an uneasy
sentiment a sentiment of fear in sitting down to write to me: to me, the friend of her Heart, who would rather suffer a thousand torments
than give her a moment of pain?— I am really ashamed of myself for having by morose
expressions chilled the feelings of a breast which was formed for the reception of none
but warm and kind, and generous sentiments.— Pardon!— pardon!—my gentle friend. Believe
not that my worst humour has ever extended to my tenderness for you. Amidst a thousand
crosses, I have not kept my temper mild and placid and unruffled, as that of a
Philosopher ought to be, and when we are provoked to petulance, any thing, however
distant from the cause of irritation becomes obnoxious to it.— With you indeed, I ought
to be always amiable; and always ought to avoid, what I now have to excuse— I will
endeavour to acquire that controul over myself, and I well know how unnecessary even the
remotest appearance of harshness is in signifying disapprobation to you.
I have written to your father by this Post.— 1 I am afraid that the only possible chance, I see
for our meeting again in Europe, will fail me like all the former. If so we must still
continue the painful practice of Patience.
The certainty , of an immediate passage
from England to Lisbon, in a neutral vessel, with such accommodations as would suffise
for you, will induce me to overlook every other consideration. Engaged as I am in the service of the public, a detention in England, for the chance of an
opportunity which might not happen for months, would be inconsistent with my duties, to
which I am bound to sacrifice if necessary, every private concern.— If the expedient
which I have suggested to your father meets his approbation and has your consent, we
shall yet have the happiness of completing our union in Europe— You know the Man you
have chosen, for the friend of your life— You know him the better, for that absence,
which has at once shewn you a trial of his affection and of his temper.— He has
disguised to you none of his failings and weaknesses. You know the chances of hardship,
inconvenience and danger, which you may be called to share with him. You know his
inviolable attachment to his Country, and his resolute determination not to continue
long his absence from it.— You know that upon his retirement, the state of his fortune
will require privations, which will be painful to him only as they may affect you.
Choose, Louisa, choose for yourself, and be assured that his Heart will ratify your
choice.
I shall remain here time enough in all probability to receive your
answer to this. If the opportunity for a passage from England can be assured, I shall
immediately come to you. If not, let us submit with resignation to the will of
Providence, and acquiesce in the separation which we could not prevent. Above all,
retain unabated your affection for your friend, and believe him unalterably yours.
A. 2